I received a comment a few days ago from anonymous that I felt so powerful I wanted to make certain everyone had a chance to read it. It’s longer than our normal posts, so we’ll post it in two parts. This is part 2.I told them it was too upsetting to talk about so they agreed to leave me alone but they wanted me to stop drinking.
I was conflicted. Drinking was the best way I knew to deal with pain but I could no longer trust myself to keep my own counsel once I blacked out.
So I tried to control it. It was very, very hard and I often made excuses to slip away from people so I could drink alone without disappointing them or making any unplanned confessions.
Roughly a year later I had my first manic episode (with psychotic features) and I finally got professional help.
Getting sick like that was terrifying, but at least I finally got help: medication and talk therapy.
It took a long time to find the right combination of medications and it was rough, but the upside to that was that I had to stop drinking.
Once I did find the right combination, my tolerance for alcohol was so much lower than it had been that I couldn't have drunk the way I used to if I wanted to.
I still can't. And I am incredibly grateful.
I couldn't really talk to my psychiatrist about the abuse until my symptoms were under control and even then I was hesitant...but she had already helped me so much that I hoped she could help me with "IT."
She could and she did. It is not over yet and I am not all better yet (not by a long shot) but I finally understand that what happened was not my fault AT ALL.
It was my abuser's and my abuser's alone. I was not complicit in the act.
I was afraid and uncomfortable, but I finally broached the subject with my parents: sober and sane. We didn't say too much but I know that they love me and they don't blame me.
No one I've told does.
If something like this has happened to you, please don't try to bury it as long as I did. I spent so much time and energy keeping my secret that it blew up in my face and it almost killed me.
You do not have to let it get as bad as I did, but if you already have, it is still not too late. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist or a trained therapist. They will help you and they are morally and legally bound to keep your private business private unless you are actively homicidal or suicidal.
Please. Just tell someone.